SB Day 1

Brekkie - none, woke up at 11:30
Lunch - 1 grilled chicken breast + broccoli
2:30 pm - feeling hungry

What I looked like at the wedding

I'm posting this here as a reminder about WHY I have to lose weight. 

Thoughts on weight (excess and loss)

I was quite happy to step on the scales 4 weeks after 'giving up' my diet and see that I had lost a bit, and got back to my lowest weight recorded this year (89.9 kg), even though, I don't feel much thinner or lighter, strangely I feel even larger.

My sister in law (SIL) got married this weekend and I was one of the bridesmaids. When I started dieting in January I was sort of hoping I'd be down to 84 kg or so by the wedding, unfortunately I was still around 89.9. Which was quite dissapointing. My dress fit me well and I was feeling well. Got nice makeup done by a makeup artist and managed to fill my hair in with Dermmatch and styled it at home (as much as my micro hair allows...)

I put on one of those 'Spanx'-like shorts and was feeling quite tonned and with a nice shape... UNTIL... I saw a photo of me.

My pixie haircut made my head look like a pin head stuck into a huge styrofoam ball. I will delete my face out of the picture and post it here later. I saw the pic and instantly felt sad. No wonder I've been instinctively shying away from cameras.  I was, and still am, in shock.  I look like I feel. Fat fat fat fat fat.

I can't stand this anymore. I can't find clothes that fit me and even my face, which people still used to compliment me on (I hate it when people say you have a nice face. To me it sounds like:" you are fat, but you still have a nice face, it's the only thing I can compliment you on.") well, the face now looks like a round plate with tiny eyes, nose and mouth on it.

I can't stand this anymore. I don't care if I starve to death or go bald again. I'm taking an attitude, I just can't stand to feel this way anymore, inadequate, like I don't belong in the world, and hating myself during every minute of everyday. I wish I could accept myself this way, but I simply cannot love myself this way. I feel as if everything bad, every person who treats me badly does so because of how I look, I know rationally this is not true, but in my heart I feel this way.

I know many people who are overweight and are still beautiful and lovely people but somehow I can't look at myself that way. I judge myself and I feel others judging me too.

My mother gave me a sugar-free 100 gram chocolate bar for Easter.
The lady who borrowed me the dress for the wedding asked me if I had lost weight or else- I wouldn't fit in the dress...
My 11-year-old niece told me my bra was too tight (got a muffin top), on a different occasion she also told me that even though I was fat she still loved me.

These things hurt, and the most hurtful part is that I'm unable to love myself.

i cant write much... but this sums it up

Fork in the road

I went to the supermarket yesterday, and it was a real challenge deciding what to put in my trolley. 

I was trying to decide between banning gluten and dairy from my diet or maybe cutting all carbs, and this and that. The truth is, I'm starting to get a little desperate to see the changes I've made show on the scales and on my body. 

All the diet books I've read have messed with my mind a bit as their ideas clash a bit. 

So I decided to try and figure out for myself what works for me, what sort of diet helps me lose weight and keep healthy and nourished (I have vitamin deficiencies).

I bought lots of veggies, lean cuts of meat, lots of natural seasonings (garlic, onions, parsley), I avoided artificial preservatives as much as possible. 

In the end I left the supermarket with ingredients to make a veggie chicken soup (which I will freeze in small portions for when I don't feel like cooking dinner). Lean meat which was already chopped, which I'll use for an oriental-style stir fry, minus the pasta. I got ready chopped and washed veggies for the stirfry. 

Washed and bagged salad (watercress, lettuce, carrots), one roasted chicken which I ate last night for dinner (not the whole chicken! I just had a bit of breast, LOL).

I got lots of lean cuts of beef and chicken, which I seasoned myself when I got home with a natural marinade the onions, garlic, etc etc 

I'm proud because there were no highly processed, salty and preservative laden foods in my cart. 

I didn't get any fruit at the supermarket as they weren't too fresh, I'd rather get them near home at the fresh food market. 

Making that change

My first "big deadline" is arriving. My sister-in-law's wedding. I'll be her maid of honour and will have to wear a pretty long dress and feel good as I'll be in lots of pictures. I wanted to feel better about myself and more confident. I don't care if it's not my goal weight yet (as that is impossible) but ever since I started dieting in January I've been focusing on this "1st goal". 

My goal weight for the 5th of May (day of the wedding) was 82 kg. I'm currently at 90.6 so losing 8 kg by the wedding is pretty much impossible. 

I've been working as hard as I can on my diet and I feel as if I've improved my intake of food by leaps and bounds. In only 3 months I changed menus completely:

My old breakfast:

Potato or Cheese bread (processed)

600 ml of diet coke

Snack: 2-5 sessame cream crackers

Lunch:

Chips

Beef/chicken

Salad w. mayo.

Snack: Medium-sized bar of chocolate (40gr + -) sometimes more

Dinner: Nothing, or Pizza, or Sphihas, White bread w. ham and cheese...

But that's what I ate before I started getting serious about losing weight. 

My current diet:

Breakfast: 2 portions of fruit (on weekends, when I'm at home)

or 

2 slices of gluten free bread (not processed, no preservatives etc.)

a little bit of butter, low fat cream cheese or unsweetened jam

fresh juice (orange, strawberry, lime - depends on the day)

Snack: Fruit or nuts/seeds

Lunch: Mixed veggies, salad, olive oil and balsamic vinager as dressing, 

Snack: Fruit or nuts/seeds

Dinner:  Salad + protein, or wholegrain rice cakes with cottage cheese + some fruit. Sometimes, very seldom now, pizza (not processed). 

So on one hand, I haven't lost any weight since I started calorie counting (all the weight I lost was on the Atkins diet), but writing down what I eat everyday has helped me be more aware about the quality of the food I've been eating (and of course, the calories). 

Now I think: Ok, I can eat 1,360 calories worth of chocolate! Woo hoo! Then look at that, that's like two bars of chocolate. Will that keep me going all day? NO! So I've definetly included more fruit, nuts and healthy oils in my diet and feel as if overall I'm making better choices. Of course, some days I'll change a healthy choice for something I'm craving, but its not happening all the time anymore. 

Saw this today...

This is your life

Diet/Health Books I'm reading/read

*****(must read)
***(good ideas, but not all doable
** (one or two good concepts)
*(don't waste your money!) 


Books I have finished:

1. The Dukan Diet **
2. Slim for Life ***
3. Low Gi - Belly Fat Diet *
4. The Flat Belly Diet ***
5. Tudo posso mas nem tudo me convém (Portuguese Only) ***
6. The New Atkins for the New You ***
7. The Waterfall Diet **

Books I am currently reading:

1. The Paleo Diet (have read too little to tell)
2. Master Your Metabolism (so far *****)

Books I've started reading but haven't finished yet:

1. Anticancer a new way of life ***** (so far)
2. Why do I still have thyroid symptoms? *** 

Books I bought but haven't started reading yet:

1. Feeling Fat, Fuzzy and Frazzled? 

One day!

One day without coca-cola zero! Its little but its a victory already. 

One day without Gluten either! 

Studies: Why Diet Sodas Are No Benefit to Dieters

By MEREDITH MELNICK | @meredithcm | June 29, 2011 

GETTY IMAGES

More bad news, diet soda drinkers: data presented recently at the American Diabetes Association’s (ADA) Scientific Sessions suggest that diet drinks may actually contribute to weight gain and that the artificial sweeteners in them could potentially contribute Type 2 diabetes.

In one study, researchers from the School of Medicine at The University of Texas Health Science Center San Antonio, looked at aggregate data from 474 older adults in the San Antonio Longitudinal Study of Aging, or SALSA. At the time of enrollment and at three follow-up exams thereafter, all participants reported their diet soda intake and were measured for height, weight and waist circumference. The researchers wanted to track any association between diet soda drinking and body fat over time.

What they found was that all participants saw their waistlines expand, but those who reported drinking diet soda had 70% greater increases in waistline growth than non-drinkers 9.5 years later. Among frequent drinkers — those who consumed two or more diet sodas a day — waistline growth was 500% greater than among non-drinkers. Researchers said their results were adjusted for other contributing factors like diabetes status, leisure-time physical activity level and age.

The data didn’t say why diet sodas might play a role in weight gain, but previous research suggests it has to do with the disconnect between the taste of artificial sugars and their lack of calories. The brain is wired to expect a big load of calories when foods taste sweet or fatty. But because diet foods fail to deliver, it throws the brain out of whack. Studies in animals suggest that artificial sweetener consumption may lead to even more eating and weight gain, perhaps in part because it triggers the body to start storing more calories as fat.

Excess weight, especially around the belly, as measured in the SALSA participants, is a risk factor for a variety of ills, including cardiovascular disease and diabetes.

In another study presented at the ADA meeting, researchers found an association between consumption of aspartame, an artificial sweetener found in many diet drinks, and elevated fasting glucose levels in mice.

The researchers, also from the School of Medicine at The University of Texas Health Science Center San Antonio, fed 40 mice their typical chow with added corn oil (to make the diet high-fat). For the half the mice, researchers also added aspartame to their food. After three months, researchers found that the mice in the aspartame group had elevated fasting glucose levels, an indication of a diabetic or pre-diabetic condition.

Of course, the findings aren’t directly translatable to humans, but the researchers think they’re still meaningful. “These results suggest that heavy aspartame exposure might potentially directly contribute to increased blood glucose levels, and thus contribute to the associations observed between diet soda consumption and the risk of diabetes in humans,” said Dr. Gabriel Fernandes, a University of Texas professor of rheumatology and clinical immunology, in a statement.

Maybe it’s time to switch to water.

Source: http://healthland.time.com/2011/06/29/studies-why-diet-sodas-are-no-boon-to-dieters/#ixzz1qL8MzYK2

Things I have learnt about myself

1. I am stronger than I thought I was.
2. I find it hard to stick to my resolutions.
3. My family/childhood affects me today in a negative way more than I wish it did.
4. My body tells me what it needs. If I crave orange juice it's probably when I'm ingesting too little vitamin C, I just have to be careful with sugar cravings hehe I don't really need that.
5. I found that by sticking to a diet, well at least the calories, I have been more committed to everything else in my life. I've scheduled tests I had to schedule, I've paid bills that were piling up, and its all sort of 'accidental', as in, I don't plan it ahead of time, so in a way I found that gaining some control over one aspect of my life, helps all others. 

Ooopsies

This is how this week went:

 

I fell of the wagon, and it was FUN! LOL

The fun bit: I got to eat whatever I wanted without being completely irresponsible. I never went over 1650 kcals, so it wasn't sooooo bad.

The unfun bit: I know I won't have lost, might have gained... thats NOT fun. 

Unfun bit 2: I have to come up with a new diet plan, that works.

It's kind of ironic as this week I read TWO diet books... 

Ok, I'll take it slow

Trying to make a lifetime of eating wrong into the perfect eating habits from one day to the next has proven to be a bit more difficult than anticipated.

So I'm changing my 'resolutions':

Things I'll quit:
- Fried food
- Gluten
- Added salt
- Sodas
- Artificial sweetners

Things I'll eat in moderation:
- Sugar
- Dairy

 

So far, so good

So far I have eaten:

- No gluten
- No dairy
- No fried food
- No added sugar
- No sweetners.

LOL, it seems easier to NOT eat than to avoid all these things.

What I had for breakfast:

- A slice of pineapple (it was delicious, it was SO sweet)
- A chunk of watermelo
- Some fruit salad made with Kiwi, Pineapple, Apple and Paw Paw
- Orange and Acerola Berry juice (Acerolas are rich in vitamin C and antioxidants, they are quite sour, but I did not add sugar or sweetner)

How I feel right now:

Like a million bucks and SO proud I managed one meal within my self-imposed plan.

I don't plan on going without dairy for long, my idea is cutting it for a month or so and then see if I can at least add cheese back as I really enjoy it.

A little plus that made my day: A boy stopped me today to say I was pretty !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If I lost a pound for each 'last chocolate' or 'just this time'...

 

I've been feeling guilty about my diet for these past few weeks. I feel that now that I'm comfortable calorie counting its really time to improve what is in the calories I eat. Sure, I can have 1,400 cals a day worth of chocolate, it's still 1,400 calories, but is it really?

My health is far from being the best around, so I really feel I have to take good care of it, starting, NOW. I don't want to wait until Monday or something, because that never works, I always think "This will be the last chocolate I ever eat"... haha if I lost a pound for each 'last chocolate' I ate or when I think "just this once"...

So, as of now I no longer:

- Eat sugar

- Eat wheat

- Eat fried food

- Drink Coca-cola zero (or any other soda)

- Consume artificial sweetners

- Add salt to my food, no  matter how tempting it is

- No longer have days "off" my diet, EXCEPT for situations I cannot control (e.g. weddings, birthday parties, etc) even so, I will force myself to make the healthiest choices available.

I read this in a book, "Would you have a little bit of poison every day? No? So why do you eat a little bit of poison everyday?"

I am convinced that gluten does not agree with me.

As for the sugar, my insulin is all over the place and I am insulin resistant, and I actually feel sick when I eat sugar now.

Artificial sweeteners are made of pure chemicals, so is my beloved coca-cola. 

Why am I fat?

Since I've started calorie counting all these emotions have surfaced. At first I couldn't make sense of it all but now the pieces are slowly falling into place. 

How it all started:

Little me was born... Skinny and 'tall'. I was so skinny my grandma says that if you held my hands up to the light you could see they were kind of transparent. 

Little me enjoyed breastfeeding, in one month's time I was already above my expected weight. But I suppose that's OK for babies as they grow so much.

Ok, then its moving on to REAL food. 

My mom was VERY controlling over portion sizes and food types. I strongly suspect she dealt with an ED in the past and still has some traits of that ingrained in her personality. An example of this is at school, all my friends took a whole packet of cookies for their snack. I was only allowed two cookies. One for myself, one for a friend, of course the prohibition made me eat both myself, as I knew I'd get none at home.  

I suppose I have also always been sort of greedy (when it comes to food). I've always looked at the largest potato, or the juiciest tomato, etc. I never really acted on it because I'd be scolded for not thinking of others, but I must admit I really did want the biggest portion, always. 

As I child I wasn't fat, but I thought I was.  The thing is, I have always thought I was fat. I got bullied and picked on at school, and I overheard my mom speaking to my aunt and saying that it was because I was fat. So this became part of me. In my head ME = FAT, OTHER KIDS = SKINNY, ME = BAD, OTHER KIDS = GOOD soon Fat = bad, skinny = good. 

Because of this perceived fatness I felt out at school and with my family, as all my cousins were (and still are) very lean. My personality has never really fit in with what has been expected from me also. I've always been (and probably always will be) compared to my cousins in ways that I can never 'compete', not that I want to, but I did at one point. 

I remember being 5 years old and feeling guilty for eating an ice lolly!!! 

Ever since I can remember, and this sounds awful, but it's true, I've wanted to lose weight. 

From the 2 - 5th grade I dealt with a hard time at home. 

My dad lost his job, we had no money, and despite being young I really felt that, as I needed a new uniform for school and my parents couldn't afford it and things like that. Dad got a job, and a lover at his new job, and I was the 'lucky' one to find out. Fancy telling your mom that your dad has a girlfriend?!?!?! That really messed with me. Now I can understand my behavior at the time. 

I did something I'm still ashamed of. I stole some of my moms meal coupons (my dad got them from his job) and I used them to buy M&Ms at school. Of course I'd eat them during class, which was forbidden. I remember eating a lot of M&Ms, I can't really say if it was that much or if I perceived it to be a lot as all my portions were always so controlled. 

One day my mom noticed some coupons were missing and she was about to fire the cleaning lady when I came clean to her. 

I felt guilty as hell doing what I did, I still feel a bit guilty to this day, but I'm able to rationalize it now. I was desperate for attention and I was comfort eating. It's funny because to this day if I'm under stress I crave food I can pick at like M&Ms, popcorn, crisps... even chopped carrots (did the test once) its picking at food that soothes me more than the food itself. It's kind of creepy but I'll put it all in a specific order, by colour, or size or whatever I can come up with, but this just happens when I'm at my breaking point. 

Pre-teens and Teens: 

When I got to the 6th grade I changed schools, and it was GREAT! For the first time in my life I had friends and I was actually happy at school. I actually found a picture of me during this period and I was really slim. OF course, I still felt fat and didn't fit in with the cool 'thin' crowd. 

Now I see that its more that I didn't know how to dress and style my hair and stuff like that. My mom has never been a girly girl, so I didn't learn these things. Gosh... I remember going to a party once, and I wore a Goofy T-Shirt (3 sizes too large for me!), jeans and sneakers (my feet were so big at this time the kids said I had TitaNikes, not sneakers)... 

Well, If I had dressed more like the other girls (jeans, cute top, shoes) I might have felt less "left out" still, it was a good time of my life.

It was around this phase that I started stuffing myself with food when my mom wasn't home. Then I felt guilty about it, so I tried to vomit, but it happens that I don't really have a gag reflex, and I can't make myself vomit. Which was very frustrating. So I started chewing and spitting food (junk food, never real food, the real food I swallowed)

High School: Right before I started high-school my doctor told me to lose some weight, my parents offered me 10 quid for every kilo I lost. I lost 10 kg. 

High school was TERRIBLE. If I though that bullying in primary school was bad, I had no idea what awaited me in High School.

Somebody spread a rumor that I was a lesbian, and I was left friendless for all 3 years.

I developed autoimmune thyroid problems it took doctors FOREVER to figure it out. During this phase I gained a lot of weight, and then lost it all. I remember losing 5 kg in two weeks... without doing anything different. Instead of investigating what was going on, my doctor congratulated me on my weight loss and that was that. 

Then I gained all the weight back and a bit more.

And that was my life for a while, lose, gain, lose, gain, lose gain. See, I was going into hypothyroid then hyper in a never-ending cycle, and there was no way of controlling the weight.

Pre-college: This was my thinnest phase ever. I was wearing size 38 jeans -- UTOPIA!!! (before that it was around 40-42). 

I had a boyfriend (who I ended up marrying hehe) and I got admitted into college. 

College: When doing college I continued to live with my parents, but I was over 18, and felt "Free" and "Independent" and could do all that my parents forbade... I discovered this store that sold sweets near university and I really did overdo the chocolate for a couple of months, but then I got a part-time job and started walking a lot and I ended up actually losing some weight, I was also very happy so I didn't really crave food in particular. I continued thin, and for once in my life I knew it and I felt great. 

Then all hell broke loose. I developed endometriosis, and with it terrible diarrhea, and vomiting and I went for 15 days a month without being able to eat, living on Coca-cola and Gatorade. This went on for a long time until I was given surgery and put on the pill to keep me from having periods. Then the weight problems got real.

I started gaining non-stop, right after the operation. I tried to diet, I tried going to the gym, swimming, everything, but I now imagine that the combo Days and days without eating + pill really messed up my metabolism.

Marriage: Before getting married, I went on the South Beach diet, Still under my mother's watchful eye, I manged to lose 15 kg pre wedding, but I came back from my honeymoon weighing an extra 2 kg. 

I didn't really know how to cook, I didn't have gas (I forgot to call the gas company and have it installed...LOL) and we ate  a lot of junk and microwaveable food for the first weeks after our wedding.

It was during this period also that I started losing my hair. I read that harsh diets could do that so I decided I'd start eating more, but silly me started eating ALL the wrong foods.

That was the beginning of the end. 

I stated piling on pounds, I wanted to make yummy food for my hubby to show what I good wife I was. One day my hubby pointed out that I was eating more than he was, and then reality hit me. 

Well, now, here I am. 3 years later (post wedding) trying desperately to shift this weight, but so far, in almost 3 months of dieting I've only lost 5 kg, of which 1 I regained. 

I do feel sort of doomed regarding my body and body image.

In a nutshell: I always saw myself as being fat, even though I wasn't. A better body image would have helped me avoid what I'm going through, but at least I know I'll appreciate my body more when I'm able to lose even the slightest bit of weight. 

Mini victories and one mini setback

So last week I didn't have the energy to write here... I've been coming from a few weeks of intense work, both at work and freelance stuff I do when I get home. I was exhausted!!!

1- I'd like to share and register my mini-victory: Last week, I managed to get back close to my lowest weight since Dec. 2011!!! 89.9 kg, I was so happy I was literally jumping up and down all over the place!
2- This Friday I was able to get into a pair of jeans one size smaller than what I was wearing and they were COMFY and fit me perfectly!!! =D From size 48 to size 46 OOOOOHHHH YEAH!!!!

 

After today's weigh in I was a bit disappointed, 91.1 (at first I thought, oh only 100 grams more.. that's fine) then I got my maths straight 1.2 kg actually... so that's kind of disappointing, but it's TTOTM, and hopefully next week this will all be over and I'll be weighing even less than 89.9 (fingers crossed!!) 

What doesn't kill you...

My diet

I've decided to start a 100% personalized diet...

Phase 1 - March 7 - to April 7

 - Eat between 1200 and 1400 calories a day, excluding the following food from my diet:

• Carbs (Except for those in veggies).
• Sweetner, as possible.
• Diet sodas
• Decrease sodium as possible
• Remove processed food from my diet as possible
• Eat at least 12-15 grams of net carbs from greens and veggies. 
• 160 mins of cardio per week 

Phase II - April 7 - Until I reach 64 kg

• Do all of the above, and introduce one portion of fruit always with fiber or protein to reduce blood sugar impact. If I continue to lose, I'll continue adding fruit until I reach 2-3 portions a day.
• Include regular strength training to boost my sluggish metabolism.

Phase III - After I reach my goal weight, for the next 2 years (to let my body get used to its new weight and consolidate the weight loss). 

• Find the maximum level of carbs + calories I can eat to maintain the weight I managed to achieve. 

Phase IV - Ongoing life maintenance. 

• Eat Low GI for the rest of my life. 
• Include one 'treat' meal per week. 

Weight gain, fluid retention and diet deamons...

Another week, no loss... A bit of gain so on and so forth.

I'm starting to get very frustrated by all of this and have decided to look back and adjust my strategy, as this one is obviously not working.

This morning I woke up so swollen all over I couldn't even close my hand in a fist.

I have come to a few conclusions:

        I.            There are 'diet gods' and 'diet devils'     The 'devils' and their little evil deamons get out at night when you are seeping, and they do evil things:

a) they get salt and water and inject them under your skin so that you wake up swollen.

b) they also inject you with sugar so that you gain weight.

c) they take your clothes out of the closet and tighten them so you think you are gaining even more.

 

True! I swear that's what's happening to me! 

Get that heart pumping!

Less than an hour ago I wrote about how shitty I felt (sorry, excuse my language, but that's how I was feeling.)
I tried to lie down for a few minutes, but I just felt worse. 


What I was really craving wasn't rest, apparently I needed some endorphin and to get some frustration out of my system: to get  my heart pumping fast...I turned on some nice music, and filled a bottle up with raspberry flavored green tea...
Got up on my Elliptical trainer and got my legs pumping as fast and hard as I could. Never got my heart monitor beeping so fast haha. 


Recommended workout cd: Evanscence by Evanescence. It's upbeat, and has a slower song now and then, and trust me, when the slower songs come on you're ready to take it easier. 


Now I'm sweating like a hog, lobster faced and out of breath but I haven't felt this good in a long time. BTW, that headache is gone. 

Breaking down

Broken, shattered. 

My hands can no longer work. 

My mind is too tired to think.

My eyes, too, have tired to blink.

All I want to do is lie down and sleep. 

Enter into a world of slumber 

and into a dream world or wonder.

I need a break from work

I need a break from life.

I need a break from being me.

I need a break from judgement.
 I need a break from opinions.

I need a break from people.

I need a break from thinking.

I need two weeks at the beach

or maybe on the top of a mountain,

drink water from a life fountain

I'd like to lie down in a field of flowers

Stay there for many hours, 

doing nothing at all.

I need a break from hurt

I need a break from pain

I need to start living life again.

Broken, shattered. That's how I feel.

Falling off the wagon, NOT!

This week has been COMPLICATED! I've felt hungry, satisfied, ravenous... and everything in between. The good thing is that I went through a very anxiety-laden week and was able to stay away from emotional eating.

I did feel at a point (on Wednesday, when I had a terrible day at work) as if I were losing my marbles... that if I didn't eat 1360 kcals the world would come to a bitter end, and so on and so forth.

In the end it all worked out, I had a little cry about it, ranted a bit, and am back to my 'usual' self, whatever that is.

So this is how the week went calorie-wise:

Sunday: 20 kcals over
Monday: 196 kcals under 
Tuesday: 398 kcals over 
Wednesday: 12 kcals over
Thursday: 217 kcals under
Friday: Goodness knows! Will try to eat 1340 cals.
Saturday: Will behave
Sunday: My day off, BBQ at my Uncle's house! =D Yum!

That means that all in all... I was 17 calories over what I should eat this week, not bad at all! I can assure you, I had a lot more fun haha.  I think I'm going to start thinking of calories more like a weekly goal than as a daily goal. It gets too stressfull, then therere are those days you feel more or less hungry... I was ravenous yesterday. I felt like a lion who hadn't fed in months, and today I was 'unhungry'.

Didn't really fall of the wagon, but the picture is cute...

So, my new goal is to have 10,000 calories a week, that's 1360 x 7 + 500 kcals for my 'day off'. Maybe this will keep my body guessing what's coming next and get me off this plateau.

So far this week I've felt no changes in my body. I am retaining loads of fluid and feel as if my legs are about to explode. The weather is unbearable hot, which doesn't help either. 

When it comes to exercise.. hummm haven't been meeting my goals... I did exercise one day this week (in addition to the usual 15 min walk home)... but I'm too tired and too busy to exercise more as I'm working on a big freelance project. Will try to squeeze in 20  mins, tomorrow, on Saturday and Sunday. (BTW, I consider my diet week to begin, of course, on Mondays).

Rewards

Considering the fact that I see food as some sort of 'reward' either because I had a hard day, or because I had a good day, or for any excuse I could make really, I've decided to implement a reward system to keep me going on my diet:

I set 5 goals for the next 5 months, now I'm going to set 5 rewards I'd like to get during my weight loss:
When I reach:

- 85kg go on a romantic date with my husband.
- 80kg buy a new pair of trousers to wear to work
- 75kg buy a new pair of jeans
- 70kg take a short trip somewhere
- 64kg buy as many new clothes as I like as long as I keep within a USD 2,000 budget (am saving up during diet)

That 40 day mark...

So I'm close to my 40th day of dieting... (today is actually the 45th). My sister studie bioengineering and she had warned me that when you reach around 40 days of dieting your body really starts to put up a fight and hold on to your fat and weight. When she told me this, I just said "humm really" and wasn't at all concerned after all counting calories seeme do be getting easier and easier.  

Some days went by...

I've reached the 40 day mark (and passed it a bit). My body makes me want to eat things I shouldn't. It makes calorie counting sound stupid, I've hit a plateau... in other words, this  body of mine is doing EVERYTHING it can to hold on and gain back the weight I've lost. 

I've been keeping on track, but haven't began to improve the quality of my diet yet. As long as I stay on track with calorie counting this week, I'll be happy. 

"Dear Body, 

Please understand this weight has to go 'bye-bye' for your own sake. You haven't been very healthy lately and losing some of this extra padding might help you get better. Then i'll be able to exercise more and make you feel and look better. Please stop holding on to this stupid weight and stop tricking me into eating things I shouldn't. Would it kill you to crave fruit and veggies instead of cheeseburgers and chips and chocolate? 

Please consider my request... 

Love,

Me."

My 5 goals for the next 5 months

Mar -  Go to a nutritionist and get my BMR tested so that I can eat the proper no. of calories
Apr -  Start swimming
May -  Have a completely presentable apartment so that I can invite guests over
Jun -   Cut sodas completely from my diet, even diet ones
Jul -    Have saved enough money to travel during my holidays

Get past that plateau, girl!

Now that I'm passed the initial shock of not having lost again, I managed to do some brainstorming with hubby. He's been with me through it all, the highs, the lows, and he knows how much I have improved my diet and lifestyle. 

I've decided to not got carb-free, but rather give my diet an overhaul. I have been sticking to my purpose of not eating more than 1,360 calories a day, but now I'm going to improve what I put in my body with these calories here's my straightforward plan:

• Do 20 mins cardio 5 days a week. Hubby took out my elliptical trainer for me. 
• Remove foods that impact my blood sugar & insulin levels, i.e. change white bread for whole grain, eat fruit with protein, cut sugar out completely, even if my calorie allowance permits its added calories.
• Cut caffeine for best adrenal function
• Include 5 minutes of breathing & relaxation exercises into my day to decrease stress.
• Sleep at least 7 hours per night (have been sleeping around 4-5), which really can affect weight loss. 
• Read a book on low GI (Glicemic index) dieting, to learn more about it. 

I might not be able to do all of this in a single week, ok, I won't, so I'm giving myself a deadline to have included all the items above in my lifestyle: March 31st, 2012. 

One thing I'm really happy about is that two months ago, if I had hit a plateau for 3 weeks in a row, I'd go berserk and stuff myself with food and think: "It's not working, why bother", but this time around I only feel more determined to make it work after all the efforts I've made so far and because I really want to get my weight loss reward (will describe it in another post).  

Frustrated

Do you know what is worse than stepping on the scales and seeing that you're weighing too  much? Stepping on the scales after 3 weeks of calorie counting and seeing that you've, not only hit a plateau, but also gained. 

Weigh-in Stats:

Start weight (Jan 16, 2012) = 95.5

Last Weigh-in (Feb 11, 2012) = 89.5

Current weight (Feb, 26, 2012) = 90.0

How does that make me feel?

- Frustrated

- Angry

- Self-doubt

I don't know if all the weight I lost was from or an effect from carb counting ( I was on the atkins diet before I started carb counting). Or maybe all I lost was just fluid... I don't know. I really feel like kicking calorie counting to the curb and go back to carb counting as that is the only thing that seems to work for me. 

:-( 

Saw this on Facebook today

10 things I love about me

Let's be clear, I'm not doing this because I think I'm the best... it's part of a weight loss challenge... and I bet this is going to be REALLY hard!

1. I love what I chose to do for a living, not necessarily my current job, but I love my profession.
2. I like the shape of my lips.
3. I like that I am a loyal friend, or at least try my best to be one.
4. I like the fact that I know my way around computers, not in a hacker sort of way, but I do know more than most people at work and am proud of that.
5. I like my feet and toes (ok, this is wierd, but true, they're cute)...
6. I like the fact that even when I gain weight I gain it proportionally. 
7. I like knowing that when I love people I let them know. 
8. I love being a pet lover, I couldn't imagine how my life would be if I weren't. 
9. I like the way that I drive. both automatic and regular cars, it's silly but I like it
10. Most of all, this is a new found love, I love the fact that for once I've been sticking to something I start: this diet! 

Wow.. I managed! =D 

Metamorphosis

I've been trying to decide whether to weigh this weekend or not. I'm in a 'pre-period' phase and that changes my weight and size quite a bit as I retain massive amounts of fluid, this line of thought has lead to others.

I am asking myself why I am so afraid of weighing myself now. I used to weigh 3-4 times a day (or more over the weekend) and it was all just very frustrating as your weight tends to fluctuate a lot during a day. Because of a challenge put up by a dear friend and weight loss pal I am now able to weigh only once a week, on Sundays, of course I feel curious and want to step on the scales at other times, but the thought of letting her down is normally enough to stop me from weighing on other days.

Anyway, not being allowed to weigh myself compulsively has been making me find things withing me I didn't know were there, feelings, fears and things I still can't wrap my mind around.

When I first started calorie counting I thought it was going to be the end of the world, that I was going to crave everything and feel hungry all the time... I really thought it would be impossible.
Now that I've been doing it for a while it is easier than I anticipated, it's still hard, but somehow I feel as if unnamed forces of the universe owe me in pounds lost for my calorie counting 'efforts'.


Each day I realize that this calorie counting/diet journey intertwines all aspects of my life more than I had ever  imagined, my physical, emotional and mental aspects are all affected by this journey.

This is how I see it:

Before weight loss: I don't really know what I am, but I feel tied up in this cocoon of prejudicial ideas related to my body image. I feel ugly on the outside, thus unaware of my inside and true self.

During:  Things get uglier still, I feel like an emotional mess, but somehow this journey is helping me find me. 

After: This is how I hope to be afterwards. Even if my outside does not reflect this, I want my self image to be like this:

Just for fun...

Dear Mosquitoes, 

Please start feeding on fat instead of blood.

All the best,

Me

What a better day to blog on a weight loss blog than "Mardi Gras" (Fat Tuesday).

I went to the beach over Carnaval and to do so I had to buy two swimming suits. No more bikinis for me... I decided I wouldn't let my weight keep me from going to the beach and having fun.

I tried not to compare myself to the skinny girls in their cute bikinis and tried to think of myself positively, but that is really hard.

With my short hair with a little bald spot and my huge belly (which got huger at the beach because of fluid retention) I felt like this:

It's really hard to feel cute and feminine when you're so big, and with short short hair.

Every time I ate something or drank a cup of soda, even if I was taking it into account in my calorie counting I felt as if I was "the fat girl drinking yet another soda, or eating a huge bowl of ice cream" (mind you, I never had a huge bowl of ice cream since I started calorie counting).

All in all, my feelings at the beach were:

-- I wish I could just disappear, so nobody could see me. 

-- Walking on the beach, i felt like a stranded whale.

-- I had difficulty sitting in the beach chair as my hips were a tad bit wider than the chair and I got stuck when I was trying to get up and fell on my hands and knees.

-- I feel 'unloveable'.

-- I don't feel like I'm a girl.

-- The feeling of the inner part of my thighs rubbing together was really unpleasant and it made me have to wear bermudas to be able to walk in, therefore I was left with a funny tan. 

Well, at least instead of resorting to food, this has only strengthened my resolution:

-- Next year I want  to look and feel more like this: 

Do or do not, there is no try..,

I'm a 26-year-old young woman trying to battle off the excess weight that has bothered her for all her life.

Well... that's not the whole story. I haven't always been overweight, but I saw myself as being overweight until I finally got here.

I suppose this is the third weight loss blog I start. But the difference is, this time I've started a weight loss diet, and I've stuck to it for almost one month (great first step for me! I never get past the 2 first weeks), and I am actually losing weight this time around.

I have promised myself this is the last time I start a diet, because I am going to lose this weight AND keep it off for good.

My special somebody once quoted this line when I was talking about trying another diet: "Do or do not, there is no try".

I think that this diet, more than weight loss, which is great, has been helping tap into aspects of myself that I had no idea about. The fact that I am managing to stay on track (or close enough some days) is creating a great sense of acomplishment, something I've never really felt before, as I've always felt like such a failure for not sticking to things I decide to do.

So. My start stats are:

Height: 1.73 meters

Start Weight (SW): 95.5 kg - January 16 , 2012.

Current Weight (CW): 89.5 kg - February 11, 2010.

Goal Weight (GW): 64.0 kg - December 31, 2012. 

Diet I'm following: I can eat a bit of everything, but I have to count the calories (1360 per day). I have allowed myself one day 'off' to attend to cravings yet still keep on the diet wagon.