Metamorphosis

I've been trying to decide whether to weigh this weekend or not. I'm in a 'pre-period' phase and that changes my weight and size quite a bit as I retain massive amounts of fluid, this line of thought has lead to others.

I am asking myself why I am so afraid of weighing myself now. I used to weigh 3-4 times a day (or more over the weekend) and it was all just very frustrating as your weight tends to fluctuate a lot during a day. Because of a challenge put up by a dear friend and weight loss pal I am now able to weigh only once a week, on Sundays, of course I feel curious and want to step on the scales at other times, but the thought of letting her down is normally enough to stop me from weighing on other days.

Anyway, not being allowed to weigh myself compulsively has been making me find things withing me I didn't know were there, feelings, fears and things I still can't wrap my mind around.

When I first started calorie counting I thought it was going to be the end of the world, that I was going to crave everything and feel hungry all the time... I really thought it would be impossible.
Now that I've been doing it for a while it is easier than I anticipated, it's still hard, but somehow I feel as if unnamed forces of the universe owe me in pounds lost for my calorie counting 'efforts'.


Each day I realize that this calorie counting/diet journey intertwines all aspects of my life more than I had ever  imagined, my physical, emotional and mental aspects are all affected by this journey.

This is how I see it:

Before weight loss: I don't really know what I am, but I feel tied up in this cocoon of prejudicial ideas related to my body image. I feel ugly on the outside, thus unaware of my inside and true self.

During:  Things get uglier still, I feel like an emotional mess, but somehow this journey is helping me find me. 

After: This is how I hope to be afterwards. Even if my outside does not reflect this, I want my self image to be like this: