Thoughts on weight (excess and loss)

I was quite happy to step on the scales 4 weeks after 'giving up' my diet and see that I had lost a bit, and got back to my lowest weight recorded this year (89.9 kg), even though, I don't feel much thinner or lighter, strangely I feel even larger.

My sister in law (SIL) got married this weekend and I was one of the bridesmaids. When I started dieting in January I was sort of hoping I'd be down to 84 kg or so by the wedding, unfortunately I was still around 89.9. Which was quite dissapointing. My dress fit me well and I was feeling well. Got nice makeup done by a makeup artist and managed to fill my hair in with Dermmatch and styled it at home (as much as my micro hair allows...)

I put on one of those 'Spanx'-like shorts and was feeling quite tonned and with a nice shape... UNTIL... I saw a photo of me.

My pixie haircut made my head look like a pin head stuck into a huge styrofoam ball. I will delete my face out of the picture and post it here later. I saw the pic and instantly felt sad. No wonder I've been instinctively shying away from cameras.  I was, and still am, in shock.  I look like I feel. Fat fat fat fat fat.

I can't stand this anymore. I can't find clothes that fit me and even my face, which people still used to compliment me on (I hate it when people say you have a nice face. To me it sounds like:" you are fat, but you still have a nice face, it's the only thing I can compliment you on.") well, the face now looks like a round plate with tiny eyes, nose and mouth on it.

I can't stand this anymore. I don't care if I starve to death or go bald again. I'm taking an attitude, I just can't stand to feel this way anymore, inadequate, like I don't belong in the world, and hating myself during every minute of everyday. I wish I could accept myself this way, but I simply cannot love myself this way. I feel as if everything bad, every person who treats me badly does so because of how I look, I know rationally this is not true, but in my heart I feel this way.

I know many people who are overweight and are still beautiful and lovely people but somehow I can't look at myself that way. I judge myself and I feel others judging me too.

My mother gave me a sugar-free 100 gram chocolate bar for Easter.
The lady who borrowed me the dress for the wedding asked me if I had lost weight or else- I wouldn't fit in the dress...
My 11-year-old niece told me my bra was too tight (got a muffin top), on a different occasion she also told me that even though I was fat she still loved me.

These things hurt, and the most hurtful part is that I'm unable to love myself.