Why am I fat?

Since I've started calorie counting all these emotions have surfaced. At first I couldn't make sense of it all but now the pieces are slowly falling into place. 

How it all started:

Little me was born... Skinny and 'tall'. I was so skinny my grandma says that if you held my hands up to the light you could see they were kind of transparent. 

Little me enjoyed breastfeeding, in one month's time I was already above my expected weight. But I suppose that's OK for babies as they grow so much.

Ok, then its moving on to REAL food. 

My mom was VERY controlling over portion sizes and food types. I strongly suspect she dealt with an ED in the past and still has some traits of that ingrained in her personality. An example of this is at school, all my friends took a whole packet of cookies for their snack. I was only allowed two cookies. One for myself, one for a friend, of course the prohibition made me eat both myself, as I knew I'd get none at home.  

I suppose I have also always been sort of greedy (when it comes to food). I've always looked at the largest potato, or the juiciest tomato, etc. I never really acted on it because I'd be scolded for not thinking of others, but I must admit I really did want the biggest portion, always. 

As I child I wasn't fat, but I thought I was.  The thing is, I have always thought I was fat. I got bullied and picked on at school, and I overheard my mom speaking to my aunt and saying that it was because I was fat. So this became part of me. In my head ME = FAT, OTHER KIDS = SKINNY, ME = BAD, OTHER KIDS = GOOD soon Fat = bad, skinny = good. 

Because of this perceived fatness I felt out at school and with my family, as all my cousins were (and still are) very lean. My personality has never really fit in with what has been expected from me also. I've always been (and probably always will be) compared to my cousins in ways that I can never 'compete', not that I want to, but I did at one point. 

I remember being 5 years old and feeling guilty for eating an ice lolly!!! 

Ever since I can remember, and this sounds awful, but it's true, I've wanted to lose weight. 

From the 2 - 5th grade I dealt with a hard time at home. 

My dad lost his job, we had no money, and despite being young I really felt that, as I needed a new uniform for school and my parents couldn't afford it and things like that. Dad got a job, and a lover at his new job, and I was the 'lucky' one to find out. Fancy telling your mom that your dad has a girlfriend?!?!?! That really messed with me. Now I can understand my behavior at the time. 

I did something I'm still ashamed of. I stole some of my moms meal coupons (my dad got them from his job) and I used them to buy M&Ms at school. Of course I'd eat them during class, which was forbidden. I remember eating a lot of M&Ms, I can't really say if it was that much or if I perceived it to be a lot as all my portions were always so controlled. 

One day my mom noticed some coupons were missing and she was about to fire the cleaning lady when I came clean to her. 

I felt guilty as hell doing what I did, I still feel a bit guilty to this day, but I'm able to rationalize it now. I was desperate for attention and I was comfort eating. It's funny because to this day if I'm under stress I crave food I can pick at like M&Ms, popcorn, crisps... even chopped carrots (did the test once) its picking at food that soothes me more than the food itself. It's kind of creepy but I'll put it all in a specific order, by colour, or size or whatever I can come up with, but this just happens when I'm at my breaking point. 

Pre-teens and Teens: 

When I got to the 6th grade I changed schools, and it was GREAT! For the first time in my life I had friends and I was actually happy at school. I actually found a picture of me during this period and I was really slim. OF course, I still felt fat and didn't fit in with the cool 'thin' crowd. 

Now I see that its more that I didn't know how to dress and style my hair and stuff like that. My mom has never been a girly girl, so I didn't learn these things. Gosh... I remember going to a party once, and I wore a Goofy T-Shirt (3 sizes too large for me!), jeans and sneakers (my feet were so big at this time the kids said I had TitaNikes, not sneakers)... 

Well, If I had dressed more like the other girls (jeans, cute top, shoes) I might have felt less "left out" still, it was a good time of my life.

It was around this phase that I started stuffing myself with food when my mom wasn't home. Then I felt guilty about it, so I tried to vomit, but it happens that I don't really have a gag reflex, and I can't make myself vomit. Which was very frustrating. So I started chewing and spitting food (junk food, never real food, the real food I swallowed)

High School: Right before I started high-school my doctor told me to lose some weight, my parents offered me 10 quid for every kilo I lost. I lost 10 kg. 

High school was TERRIBLE. If I though that bullying in primary school was bad, I had no idea what awaited me in High School.

Somebody spread a rumor that I was a lesbian, and I was left friendless for all 3 years.

I developed autoimmune thyroid problems it took doctors FOREVER to figure it out. During this phase I gained a lot of weight, and then lost it all. I remember losing 5 kg in two weeks... without doing anything different. Instead of investigating what was going on, my doctor congratulated me on my weight loss and that was that. 

Then I gained all the weight back and a bit more.

And that was my life for a while, lose, gain, lose, gain, lose gain. See, I was going into hypothyroid then hyper in a never-ending cycle, and there was no way of controlling the weight.

Pre-college: This was my thinnest phase ever. I was wearing size 38 jeans -- UTOPIA!!! (before that it was around 40-42). 

I had a boyfriend (who I ended up marrying hehe) and I got admitted into college. 

College: When doing college I continued to live with my parents, but I was over 18, and felt "Free" and "Independent" and could do all that my parents forbade... I discovered this store that sold sweets near university and I really did overdo the chocolate for a couple of months, but then I got a part-time job and started walking a lot and I ended up actually losing some weight, I was also very happy so I didn't really crave food in particular. I continued thin, and for once in my life I knew it and I felt great. 

Then all hell broke loose. I developed endometriosis, and with it terrible diarrhea, and vomiting and I went for 15 days a month without being able to eat, living on Coca-cola and Gatorade. This went on for a long time until I was given surgery and put on the pill to keep me from having periods. Then the weight problems got real.

I started gaining non-stop, right after the operation. I tried to diet, I tried going to the gym, swimming, everything, but I now imagine that the combo Days and days without eating + pill really messed up my metabolism.

Marriage: Before getting married, I went on the South Beach diet, Still under my mother's watchful eye, I manged to lose 15 kg pre wedding, but I came back from my honeymoon weighing an extra 2 kg. 

I didn't really know how to cook, I didn't have gas (I forgot to call the gas company and have it installed...LOL) and we ate  a lot of junk and microwaveable food for the first weeks after our wedding.

It was during this period also that I started losing my hair. I read that harsh diets could do that so I decided I'd start eating more, but silly me started eating ALL the wrong foods.

That was the beginning of the end. 

I stated piling on pounds, I wanted to make yummy food for my hubby to show what I good wife I was. One day my hubby pointed out that I was eating more than he was, and then reality hit me. 

Well, now, here I am. 3 years later (post wedding) trying desperately to shift this weight, but so far, in almost 3 months of dieting I've only lost 5 kg, of which 1 I regained. 

I do feel sort of doomed regarding my body and body image.

In a nutshell: I always saw myself as being fat, even though I wasn't. A better body image would have helped me avoid what I'm going through, but at least I know I'll appreciate my body more when I'm able to lose even the slightest bit of weight.