SB Day 1

Brekkie - none, woke up at 11:30
Lunch - 1 grilled chicken breast + broccoli
2:30 pm - feeling hungry

What I looked like at the wedding

I'm posting this here as a reminder about WHY I have to lose weight. 

Thoughts on weight (excess and loss)

I was quite happy to step on the scales 4 weeks after 'giving up' my diet and see that I had lost a bit, and got back to my lowest weight recorded this year (89.9 kg), even though, I don't feel much thinner or lighter, strangely I feel even larger.

My sister in law (SIL) got married this weekend and I was one of the bridesmaids. When I started dieting in January I was sort of hoping I'd be down to 84 kg or so by the wedding, unfortunately I was still around 89.9. Which was quite dissapointing. My dress fit me well and I was feeling well. Got nice makeup done by a makeup artist and managed to fill my hair in with Dermmatch and styled it at home (as much as my micro hair allows...)

I put on one of those 'Spanx'-like shorts and was feeling quite tonned and with a nice shape... UNTIL... I saw a photo of me.

My pixie haircut made my head look like a pin head stuck into a huge styrofoam ball. I will delete my face out of the picture and post it here later. I saw the pic and instantly felt sad. No wonder I've been instinctively shying away from cameras.  I was, and still am, in shock.  I look like I feel. Fat fat fat fat fat.

I can't stand this anymore. I can't find clothes that fit me and even my face, which people still used to compliment me on (I hate it when people say you have a nice face. To me it sounds like:" you are fat, but you still have a nice face, it's the only thing I can compliment you on.") well, the face now looks like a round plate with tiny eyes, nose and mouth on it.

I can't stand this anymore. I don't care if I starve to death or go bald again. I'm taking an attitude, I just can't stand to feel this way anymore, inadequate, like I don't belong in the world, and hating myself during every minute of everyday. I wish I could accept myself this way, but I simply cannot love myself this way. I feel as if everything bad, every person who treats me badly does so because of how I look, I know rationally this is not true, but in my heart I feel this way.

I know many people who are overweight and are still beautiful and lovely people but somehow I can't look at myself that way. I judge myself and I feel others judging me too.

My mother gave me a sugar-free 100 gram chocolate bar for Easter.
The lady who borrowed me the dress for the wedding asked me if I had lost weight or else- I wouldn't fit in the dress...
My 11-year-old niece told me my bra was too tight (got a muffin top), on a different occasion she also told me that even though I was fat she still loved me.

These things hurt, and the most hurtful part is that I'm unable to love myself.

i cant write much... but this sums it up

Fork in the road

I went to the supermarket yesterday, and it was a real challenge deciding what to put in my trolley. 

I was trying to decide between banning gluten and dairy from my diet or maybe cutting all carbs, and this and that. The truth is, I'm starting to get a little desperate to see the changes I've made show on the scales and on my body. 

All the diet books I've read have messed with my mind a bit as their ideas clash a bit. 

So I decided to try and figure out for myself what works for me, what sort of diet helps me lose weight and keep healthy and nourished (I have vitamin deficiencies).

I bought lots of veggies, lean cuts of meat, lots of natural seasonings (garlic, onions, parsley), I avoided artificial preservatives as much as possible. 

In the end I left the supermarket with ingredients to make a veggie chicken soup (which I will freeze in small portions for when I don't feel like cooking dinner). Lean meat which was already chopped, which I'll use for an oriental-style stir fry, minus the pasta. I got ready chopped and washed veggies for the stirfry. 

Washed and bagged salad (watercress, lettuce, carrots), one roasted chicken which I ate last night for dinner (not the whole chicken! I just had a bit of breast, LOL).

I got lots of lean cuts of beef and chicken, which I seasoned myself when I got home with a natural marinade the onions, garlic, etc etc 

I'm proud because there were no highly processed, salty and preservative laden foods in my cart. 

I didn't get any fruit at the supermarket as they weren't too fresh, I'd rather get them near home at the fresh food market. 

Making that change

My first "big deadline" is arriving. My sister-in-law's wedding. I'll be her maid of honour and will have to wear a pretty long dress and feel good as I'll be in lots of pictures. I wanted to feel better about myself and more confident. I don't care if it's not my goal weight yet (as that is impossible) but ever since I started dieting in January I've been focusing on this "1st goal". 

My goal weight for the 5th of May (day of the wedding) was 82 kg. I'm currently at 90.6 so losing 8 kg by the wedding is pretty much impossible. 

I've been working as hard as I can on my diet and I feel as if I've improved my intake of food by leaps and bounds. In only 3 months I changed menus completely:

My old breakfast:

Potato or Cheese bread (processed)

600 ml of diet coke

Snack: 2-5 sessame cream crackers

Lunch:

Chips

Beef/chicken

Salad w. mayo.

Snack: Medium-sized bar of chocolate (40gr + -) sometimes more

Dinner: Nothing, or Pizza, or Sphihas, White bread w. ham and cheese...

But that's what I ate before I started getting serious about losing weight. 

My current diet:

Breakfast: 2 portions of fruit (on weekends, when I'm at home)

or 

2 slices of gluten free bread (not processed, no preservatives etc.)

a little bit of butter, low fat cream cheese or unsweetened jam

fresh juice (orange, strawberry, lime - depends on the day)

Snack: Fruit or nuts/seeds

Lunch: Mixed veggies, salad, olive oil and balsamic vinager as dressing, 

Snack: Fruit or nuts/seeds

Dinner:  Salad + protein, or wholegrain rice cakes with cottage cheese + some fruit. Sometimes, very seldom now, pizza (not processed). 

So on one hand, I haven't lost any weight since I started calorie counting (all the weight I lost was on the Atkins diet), but writing down what I eat everyday has helped me be more aware about the quality of the food I've been eating (and of course, the calories). 

Now I think: Ok, I can eat 1,360 calories worth of chocolate! Woo hoo! Then look at that, that's like two bars of chocolate. Will that keep me going all day? NO! So I've definetly included more fruit, nuts and healthy oils in my diet and feel as if overall I'm making better choices. Of course, some days I'll change a healthy choice for something I'm craving, but its not happening all the time anymore. 

Saw this today...