I'm posting this here as a reminder about WHY I have to lose weight.
segunda-feira, 7 de maio de 2012
Thoughts on weight (excess and loss)
I was quite happy to step on the scales 4 weeks after 'giving up' my diet and see that I had lost a bit, and got back to my lowest weight recorded this year (89.9 kg), even though, I don't feel much thinner or lighter, strangely I feel even larger.
My sister in law (SIL) got married this weekend and I was one of the bridesmaids. When I started dieting in January I was sort of hoping I'd be down to 84 kg or so by the wedding, unfortunately I was still around 89.9. Which was quite dissapointing. My dress fit me well and I was feeling well. Got nice makeup done by a makeup artist and managed to fill my hair in with Dermmatch and styled it at home (as much as my micro hair allows...)
I put on one of those 'Spanx'-like shorts and was feeling quite tonned and with a nice shape... UNTIL... I saw a photo of me.
My pixie haircut made my head look like a pin head stuck into a huge styrofoam ball. I will delete my face out of the picture and post it here later. I saw the pic and instantly felt sad. No wonder I've been instinctively shying away from cameras. I was, and still am, in shock. I look like I feel. Fat fat fat fat fat.
I can't stand this anymore. I can't find clothes that fit me and even my face, which people still used to compliment me on (I hate it when people say you have a nice face. To me it sounds like:" you are fat, but you still have a nice face, it's the only thing I can compliment you on.") well, the face now looks like a round plate with tiny eyes, nose and mouth on it.
I can't stand this anymore. I don't care if I starve to death or go bald again. I'm taking an attitude, I just can't stand to feel this way anymore, inadequate, like I don't belong in the world, and hating myself during every minute of everyday. I wish I could accept myself this way, but I simply cannot love myself this way. I feel as if everything bad, every person who treats me badly does so because of how I look, I know rationally this is not true, but in my heart I feel this way.
I know many people who are overweight and are still beautiful and lovely people but somehow I can't look at myself that way. I judge myself and I feel others judging me too.
My mother gave me a sugar-free 100 gram chocolate bar for Easter.
The lady who borrowed me the dress for the wedding asked me if I had lost weight or else- I wouldn't fit in the dress...
My 11-year-old niece told me my bra was too tight (got a muffin top), on a different occasion she also told me that even though I was fat she still loved me.
These things hurt, and the most hurtful part is that I'm unable to love myself.
My sister in law (SIL) got married this weekend and I was one of the bridesmaids. When I started dieting in January I was sort of hoping I'd be down to 84 kg or so by the wedding, unfortunately I was still around 89.9. Which was quite dissapointing. My dress fit me well and I was feeling well. Got nice makeup done by a makeup artist and managed to fill my hair in with Dermmatch and styled it at home (as much as my micro hair allows...)
I put on one of those 'Spanx'-like shorts and was feeling quite tonned and with a nice shape... UNTIL... I saw a photo of me.
My pixie haircut made my head look like a pin head stuck into a huge styrofoam ball. I will delete my face out of the picture and post it here later. I saw the pic and instantly felt sad. No wonder I've been instinctively shying away from cameras. I was, and still am, in shock. I look like I feel. Fat fat fat fat fat.
I can't stand this anymore. I can't find clothes that fit me and even my face, which people still used to compliment me on (I hate it when people say you have a nice face. To me it sounds like:" you are fat, but you still have a nice face, it's the only thing I can compliment you on.") well, the face now looks like a round plate with tiny eyes, nose and mouth on it.
I can't stand this anymore. I don't care if I starve to death or go bald again. I'm taking an attitude, I just can't stand to feel this way anymore, inadequate, like I don't belong in the world, and hating myself during every minute of everyday. I wish I could accept myself this way, but I simply cannot love myself this way. I feel as if everything bad, every person who treats me badly does so because of how I look, I know rationally this is not true, but in my heart I feel this way.
I know many people who are overweight and are still beautiful and lovely people but somehow I can't look at myself that way. I judge myself and I feel others judging me too.
My mother gave me a sugar-free 100 gram chocolate bar for Easter.
The lady who borrowed me the dress for the wedding asked me if I had lost weight or else- I wouldn't fit in the dress...
My 11-year-old niece told me my bra was too tight (got a muffin top), on a different occasion she also told me that even though I was fat she still loved me.
These things hurt, and the most hurtful part is that I'm unable to love myself.
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